The Best Kind of Garbage

So last night I checked into a room at the luxurious Marriott on west end, watched some sex and the city, had electrodes placed all over my body and was videotaped while I slept. Kinky, eh? Actually I was having a sleep study done at the urging of my doctor. It was really cool and I got some much needed good news that makes me feel 99% less like an old man and will make my life 86% easier (all percentages are apporoximate).

So when I get back to my parents house at 7 am to take a much needed shower before i embark back to the boro, I catch something on TV that is perhaps the best bad movie that I have ever seen. As a lover of bad movies (CAMP, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Jack Frost...) I was excited to see on the digial cable "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie." Knowing that I am a fan of 80s nostalgia, it had potential. What I assumed would be a cartoon was instead a live action move...the potential for greatness grew. I thought instead of rambling off why the public should watch it, I would let someone else's opinion flow. The following is a review I found when I googled the film. By the end of this long rant, you will buy this film out of pure curiosity:


The movie stars Mackenzie Astin, whom you might remember as smarmy hipster Andy Moffett from The Facts of Life. Okay, no problems there - he was a fairly substantial star at the time, all things considered. Astin plays 'Dodger,' a crafty kid who's gotten himself into trouble with the town's local thugs. The thugs like to steal his lunch money and handcuff him to sewer pipes underground, so at least the flick makes no vague standings on who's good and who's evil. Dodger practically lives at the old antique shop belonging to his elder pal, Captain Mancini.

Mancini has a good heart, but suffers from a terminal depression over society's current trends and emphasis on physical beauty. I assume you can guess where this is headed.In the opening credits, we get to see the Garbage Pail Kids' space shuttle, not very surprisingly shaped like a garbage pail, crash-land on Earth. As it turns out, Captain Mancini got his hands on the pail, and it's now residing amongst the many knickknacks and Victorian door knobs in his antique shop. He warns Dodger never to open the pail, which might've been a demand of redundancy since the thing is just covered in disgusting toxic green sludge.

Things heat up when we meet Dodger's would-be love interest, Tangerine. Problem is, she's currently dating 'Juice,' the very same hoodlum who keeps beating up Dodger. Tangerine seems less than interested in the little kid's advances, but he refuses to give up since Tangy manages to take her shirt off no less than sixty times in the film's duration. As an added bonus, she wears the same dirty purple bra throughout the whole movie. Filthy skank. Just so we're clear, Tangerine's a bad girl who might end up being a good girl if she could stop doing such immoral, slutty things. Can Dodger sway her to the light?Not quite yet - Tangy's boyfriend and the film's other assorted goons come into the antique shop and mangle Dodger for the 27th time. They even lock him in the sewer again, but before a stream of liquid shit can smack our unlikely hero, a group of strange little creatures save the day! Dodger's not quite sure what to make of it all, but he certainly appreciates the sentiment. Let's meet the Garbage Pail Kids!

Okay, put yourself in a kid's shoes for a second. You're telling me you wouldn't find these guys just a wee bit frightening? When I saw it, I remember the feeling of dread when they first walked onscreen. I was worried about what I had gotten myself into - it was sort of like fighting for the last spare rib on Chinese Food Night, winning, and realizing that this particular spare rib was chosen last because it was full of those gross pork veins. All right, it's not at all like that. Either way, the GPKids scared the popcorn out of my lap. They all shared an innate, Chucky-like quality - but it's made worse by the fact that there's really people in those suits, allowing for much greater mobility and a far heavier amount of creepiness.Captain Mancini returns and explains that the world will never let the Garbage Pail Kids exist peacefully, and begs that they return to the pail. They refuse, so everyone makes the most of a bad situation by catching up on old times and throwing up all over the floor. Though gruff, Dodger sees the kids as a bunch of misunderstood friendly folks. That might be true, but it's not a reason for him to actually hang out with them. We get seven different kids based on some of the more popular cards - here's a closer look at some of the more notable ones.

Ali Gator is the surrogate leader of the pack, partly because he's got a cool haircut, but mostly because he's, you know, an alligator. Upon introduction, Ali immediately begins talking about his penchant for human toes. In fact, he pulls out a box and starts eating toes and eyeballs from it. For those keeping score, it was at this point that I made Mommy take me home. I don't think she was too disappointed.

Windy Winston is the second in command. You know, I've never really used the word on X-E as a matter of personal preference, but there's really no way to avoid it in this case. Winston farts. Farts farts farts, farts farts. That's all he does for the entire movie - farts left and right, up and down, loud and noxiously. It's not just implied, either - you get to hear 'em, and sometimes, you even get to see 'em by way of ridiculous special fogging effects placed in the general vicinity of Winston's scary black ass.

Next up, Valerie Vomit. Care to take a stab at her claim to fame? Yes, Valerie's super power is the ability to throw up on command. As a trading card, Valerie was easily one of the most putrid of all the Garbage Pail Kids - it depicted her cooking her vomit in a large saucepan as she was throwing it up. Yeah, that's what kids were into. Anytime someone talks about all the terrible things kids are growing up on these days, remind them of that. It could be much worse. Anyway, the live-action version of Valerie Vomit is somehow even uglier, looking like a mobile basketball star's bobblehead figure who just happens to upchuck at will. She doesn't do the deed till much later in the movie. I guess they wanted to provide a payoff scene to the three people who actually made it the whole way through.If you don't believe it could get any worse, here's a few more of the stars you're forced to watch for the next 90 minutes...

Messy Tessie, the girl who plays with her snot. And my, she's really got quite a stockpile of the stuff. Tessie uses her snot to perform various acts throughout the film, including fixing televisions and affixing plastic jewels to the clothes she makes. NOPE, NOT KIDDING. Tessie also has the nasty habit shaking her snot-covered hands with everyone she meets. I'm really surprised the director of this flick never got to thank the Academy.

Just in case you were still a little undecided on whether or not the people responsible for this movie should be castrated and lobotomized, here's Nat Nerd, a pimply faced wimp who responds to excitement and intrigue by pissing himself. According to the producers, this activity is made funnier by repeating it a hundred times at various interval. The oddest part? Nat is probably the least offensive of all the kids. That's right - acne-ridden Nat who urinates on the floor 100 times is the least disgusting Garbage Pail Kid.

Rounding out the cast was Greaser Greg, the GPKid from the 50s, and Foul Phil, a sweet little ugly baby troll with bad breath. I can't tell you how pleased I am by my decision to write about these guys for the next few hours.....

( I am gonna leave it there bc I want you all to go watch it now!!!!!!!!!!!)