My Sweet Home Alabama Weekend...and then some

Here are some things that I recently discovered annoy the shit out of me:

1. laugh clappers (people who laugh so hard that they feel moved to clap even at dumb things....these people seem to love to sit next to me in class and at movies)
2. people who wear playboy bunny accessories and/or t-shirts (this rivals my annoyance of things with dragons and/or flames on them)
3. people who do "Poor" napoleon dynamite impressions. (I love that film dearly but why does everyone think they can quote it...the impression usually just sounds like an athsmatic who hasn't hit the inhaler today!)

well today has been pretty boring although I did get behind a hot scotsman in the line at Quiznos. He had a very William Wallace Braveheart accent so I kept asking him questions like, "what are you gonna get?" or "boy this line is long." I basically just wanted to hear him talk. I am such a dumb southerner but it did entertain me while I waited forever in line. I wondered what the hell someone from Scotland would be doing in Murfreesboro. That just seems like the biggest downgrade. I have never been there, much less out of the country, so I can't say I know what its like there but I imagine bagpipes and kilts and hills and for some reason billy goats are present (I am not sure why....maybe something was amiss in my early education). To go from that to a place famous for the world's largest oak bucket and for having the most restaurants per capita than anyplace in Tennessee (an assett I address often) seems mildly depressing. I guess it could be more surreal....which brings me to my weekend....

Saturday Phillip and I went on a road trip to Pisgah, Alabama pop. roughly 3 (named apparently after a Mt Pisgah in the Bible...not that I would know) to attend his 5 year High SChool reunion. He didn't want to go by himself and he lured me into the scenario with promises of a visit to the famous UNclaimed Baggage store in neighboring Scottsboro (TANGENT: the unclaimed Baggage store was once featured on Oprah...which is really all it takes to make something exciting to me. ALthough I am pretty sure it was one of those episodes where Oprah tries to act like the "common people" by shopping at Costco and stuff like that..) If I did not go, what kind of friend would I be? Plus I knew that he was stressed bc some of these folks had once teased him for his newfound homosexuality and I thought he might not go if someone didn't go with him. I also thought it a great opportunity to have a fake identity (YAY!!)

It was a surreal trip to say the least. I should have known things were going awry when we heard 4 non blondes' "WHats up?" on the radio more than once. It was as if we were transgressing back in time as we drove the two hours south. There was one errand Phillip had neglected to tell me about. Apparently we had to go do the mandatory "post breakup giving back of the stuff" with his ex fred. when we pull up to his property, fred rushes out in full redneck mode (sleeveless t-shirt, ciggerette, pickup) and pulls aside us cussing. I swear he was prepared to throw down and I am thinking "CHrist, I am about to see a full on gay fight and be left for dead in BFE!!!!" luckily we averted catastrophe by Phillip throwing the box in his truck bed and getting back in our getaway car telling him that I had to pee, so we had to go. MY BLADDER TO THE RESCUE!! we then hit up his granny's house where I realized all small town grandmas (like my granny) must shop exclusively at church bazarres where they buy "tater bins" and other handicrafts). I love that!!

After finding nothing at the Unclaimed Baggage Mart (apparently Oprah had bought everything...bc I was left with only A heap of Aaron Cater Cds and a wall of straw hats to choose from) we went to the reunion which was held at a barbecue restaurant. We soon realized that out of a class of about 100, only 5 were there single (we will count Phillip as single even though he brought me...I refused to be considered his date! even though one woman asked if I was his wife which made me crack up hysterically ) and most of the others were married or had a baby with them. There was also another gay there named Billy Ray (yes i know...it was just like sweet home alabama.) The funny thing is Phillip said the gay Billy Ray used to call him "Fag" in high school....OH THE IRONY!! There were also zero black people. I though brentwood had little diversity...I was wrong! It made me feel like there 23 is a lot different there than it is here! For once I was really glad to be living in Murfreesboro. They almost seemed to look at us as if we were high society (which is weird...bc my whole life I have looked at everyone else that way) and I understand where he gets his drive to see things. He wants to see everything....like going to teach in Japan next year or like how he wanted to see Mardi Gras so bad that he went alone bc everyone else had a hellish week that week. Good thing he did....bc pretty sure it will be the last one for a while....