Reactions and Retractions

Sometimes I cannot explain the way that I react to things, because I react differently than most sane thinking individuals. I let things build upon me until I cannot breathe or see clearly and am usually not too honest with myself about what I really want or what I really need. At this juncture I go off kilter and snap into full on bitch mode over things which are out of my control. It is much easier to blame these things for my hostility than those things which I could have easily fixed. See I told ya, I react like a crazy person.

Today my thing I blamed was our broken VCR. Twice this week it has made me miss things that I really desired to watch. I guess it was easier for me to yell at it or my Dad for not telling me it was broken then to face the facts that my own shortcomings (whether apathy or atropy) have been the reason for recent unhappiness. In both situations, I got hyped up to watch something then got home and they were not there waiting for me. I guess I got mad because I am a big believer in signs and metaphors and the fact was, the thing I looked forward to didn't really turn out as expected. I want something waiting for me when I get home. Something more then my dog or my parents, I want me own things!

I know I am being vague, but the venting is kind of important. I never retract my gut instincts because i know in theory regret is a wasted emotion, but do I believe it fully? NO! I regret tons of things. Usually waiting too long or not saying something I should. Nothing really mind blowing brought on this realization- it all just came because I missed American Idol today and Oprah's interview with Vince Vaughn last week.