Midnight Movies

I am just going to point out that sometimes I have trouble sleeping, and I turn to the 2 am movie on A&E, Bravo!, TCM or Comedy Central to ease me into pleasant dreams. Well most nights, it is a remote controlled toss-up between Twins (TANGENT: TWINS may be my favorite childhood film. Danny Devito and Arnold Swartzenaggar as unlikely siblings...How can comedy resist ensuing? Also, I cannot resist singing "TONIGHT IS YOUR NIGHT....BRO!") and sometimes showing on several channels simulataneously, Coming To America ("TO BE LOVED...TO BE LOVED...OH WHAT A FEELING...TO BE LOVED!!!!").

But 2 nights ago, my the luck of my remote, I came upon Interview with a Vampire, a movie that may have been tolerable by a 12 year old Kimmie in 1998, but is frankly unwatchable by a 23 year old Kimmie in 2006. It isn't so much that I have changed, it is more the way the media has shaped my perspective. In case you lived in a bomb shelter over the last 12 years, you know that the movie stars Brad Pitt (of Brangelina fame) and Tom Cruise (of recent TomKat fame) as two scallywag vampires with not-so- luxurious blonde hair. I just couldn't even watch without thinking eww...Cruise had his brain drained by Elrod Hubbard and planted his seed into an unwitting Dawson's Creek star (not Pacey...God NO!) and Pitt left the most gorgeous woman in the world to become engaged to a possibly incestual nympho. Who could have ever seen this coming? I buy into it as much as the next guy (Lets just call a spade a spade....in a given day, I could have watched E! News Daily, Access Hollywood, ET (Entertainment Tonight...for those in the know) and Extra!). I just feel bad that these people that were once gifted actors have gotten their careers forgotten because they temporarily (LET'S HOPE!) lost their path!

After not being able to focus on the Vampire film, I transfixed myself on PeeWee's Big Adventure (another childhood favorite that for some ungodly reason was on Bravo! Yep...your guess is as good as mine.) After seeing my favorite scene ("No silly...there's no basement in the Alamo!") I discovered that this movie really wasn't for children. Hell...I probobly didn't even know what the Alamo was when I was 8...but I laughed. The whole thing was really creepy from Large Marge to the weird funhouse part. In this case I don't think it wasn't my skewed perception of the actor playing PeeWee. (Thankfully no one took him too seriously in the first place.)

Anyway...Moral to the story time. I think it is hard to pinpoint your favorite anything. I am constantly changing my mind as I learn new things and expand my horizons. I mean clearly Twins is no longer my favorite movie.

Reactions and Retractions

Sometimes I cannot explain the way that I react to things, because I react differently than most sane thinking individuals. I let things build upon me until I cannot breathe or see clearly and am usually not too honest with myself about what I really want or what I really need. At this juncture I go off kilter and snap into full on bitch mode over things which are out of my control. It is much easier to blame these things for my hostility than those things which I could have easily fixed. See I told ya, I react like a crazy person.

Today my thing I blamed was our broken VCR. Twice this week it has made me miss things that I really desired to watch. I guess it was easier for me to yell at it or my Dad for not telling me it was broken then to face the facts that my own shortcomings (whether apathy or atropy) have been the reason for recent unhappiness. In both situations, I got hyped up to watch something then got home and they were not there waiting for me. I guess I got mad because I am a big believer in signs and metaphors and the fact was, the thing I looked forward to didn't really turn out as expected. I want something waiting for me when I get home. Something more then my dog or my parents, I want me own things!

I know I am being vague, but the venting is kind of important. I never retract my gut instincts because i know in theory regret is a wasted emotion, but do I believe it fully? NO! I regret tons of things. Usually waiting too long or not saying something I should. Nothing really mind blowing brought on this realization- it all just came because I missed American Idol today and Oprah's interview with Vince Vaughn last week.

I know you want it....American Idol Predictions!

Ok. It is no secret that I have been a die-hard American Idol [Sometimes even geekily refered to as A.I.] since its inception. It has been quite a task restraining myself from putting in my 2-3 cents on the contestants. But, people, it's getting down to the wire [TOP 6] so there is no time like the present to vent on who I think will make it! The following post will be my rundown on the contestants. If you know me at all, you will know that I am really a Taylor Hicks kinda gal, so I will start with him and go in their order of greatness!

1. Taylor Hicks- I love him. If I had cataracts and a slight astigmatism, I may regard him to be the poor man's George Clooney. I realize that he is probobly a whole lot older than he claims to be [29, my ass] but I love him! He has a Joe Cockery, Tom Waitsy kinda quality that makes him kinda marketable. I mean clearly he is never going to have the same fan base as previous American Idol winners, thus his appeal! I mean I have never bought a Rueben Studdard or a Fantasia album [although I did see her open for Kanye], but I will be first in line to buy his. I dig the not characteristically pleasing voices. I have one. I relate.

2. Elliot Yamin- I realize, once again, that he is not that attractive. In fact he has some jacked up teeth, but he can sing like no one's business. Although I realize that the industry is very image based, I think he has a chance. His renditions of Stevie Wonder really solidified it for me. My only drawback for Mr. Yamin is that he sometimes when he is singing his eyes seem to bulge out of his head like he is choking on something. It is nothing that a little coaching couldn't cure. He also made Paula cry, which leads me to believe that they are sleeping together and he is quite the heartbreaker. Score two more points for Mr. Yamin.

3. Katherine McPhee- I really do enjoy her. I think she has a gorgeous voice. It's not particularly a voice that I would buy an album for, but I would definitely see her on broadway. Her image may be a little too squeaky. She for some reason or another reminds me of the live-action version of Belle from Beauty and The Beast. Like it would not be uncharacteristic for her to break out into song and dance with an ottoman and a teapot. Just another day in the life of Miss McPhee. [TANGENT:I also think that the fact that they already have coined a slogan for her "Caught the McPheever" may prove to be a deathwish. Lest we forget the catchiness of "Ace is a winning hand." ]

4. Chris Daughtry- I think he will likely be in the top 2. He is very commercially pleasing, which is why he is not my favorite. He kinda sounds like every other Staind/
Nickelback/Hoobastank band that is out there. The bands that I really can't tell apart at this point. I give him points for his creative facial hair patterns [TANGENT: He went above and beyond the standard "flavor saver" or the "soul patch" to explore bold new avenues like the very chic wavy sideburn/ shaved head combo. I am not ashamed to say that I am a fan.] He is great at song choice which is why he has gotten this far!

5. Paris Bennett- I know this girl has a gorgeous voice, but i just cannot handle her. She is only 16 but bounces between adolescent schoolgirl and 40 year old diva all depending on which weave she has chosen to wear that day! She also knows she's great which is completely unnerving to me. [TANGENT: She reminds me of some people I have known in my time. The types that sing in full opera voice along to the car radio, and when you chime in completely try to drown you out. I don't think it is insecurity or jealousy, I think it is annoyance that makes me dislike this type of person.] She also acts like a complete moron everytime Ryan interviews her, which I attibute to her age. I don't think America in good conscious will allow a minor to win this competition.

Speaking of moron...

6. Kelly Pickler- I cannot tell a lie, I really liked her in the beginning. This girl is a producer's dream. She has the best sob story. Her mom ran out on her family, her dad is in prison and she has the cutest grandpa that has raised her in North Carolina all by himself and is always there with his little "Pick Pickler" shirt. [Once again...I think the adorable slogan could be the nail in the coffin.] Every week I just yell at the television, knowing her moronic comments ["whats a ballsy?"] are what is keeping her in. My only guess is country fans are keeping her in, but she doesn't have the stage presense to make it in that genre. Her dead eyes make it seem like someone roofied her before she stepped out on stage [I point the finger at Randy Jackson or a belligerant Bucky Cunningham!] This might explain the flat notes and seemingly moronic comments. I have been to North Carolina and I know they have school there.

Ok. So it seems that I am all sour grapes. I must say, I have no singing talent at all. I am just a loyal fan or trashy reality TV!

High Art vs. Low Art

Lately, I have been kinda into documentaries. Thanks to my parent's giving in and subscribing to on demand cable [TANGENT: my dad subscribes to this service yet still only watches CBS, CNN, and MSNBC. I think on the off chance that there is a good western on, he will fork over the extra cash a month] and the extra time on my hands, I basically have seen every documentary that tickles my fancy. I think I like them because I am so damn nosey!

Today I watched two. One was on IFC and it was about Chinese sweatshop workers that made Mardi Gras beads and the other [which I LOVED!] was called "My Date with Drew" and was about this guy who won $1,100 on the game show pilot for "Taboo" with the winning answer "Drew Barrymore." He had always had a crush on the star so he gave himself a 30 day deadline to meet her, taking the answer as a sign from God and the $1,100 as seed money for the documentary. I highly recommend it.

Anyway-- I digress, while I was watching it, I got really into it. Similarly to how I feel when I am watching a really good episode of "The Real World" or even "The Bachelor." I was trying to figure out why this documentary is given the pretentious, and kind of offputting title of "documentary," while the shows I like to watch are slapped with the title "reality tv" and not particularly taken seriously by anyone in the ritzy art community [TANGENT: I know this community fairly well. All through college I straddled the line as being an art kid. I never was able to turn in a pile of bent sticks smeared with guacamole and human hair and say in some way it dealt with all the injustice in the world. That is just not how I am. I get symbolism and I respect people's work, but my vision sometimes is just too mainstream. DAMN THE MEDIA!] . I started thinking about what my Survey of Popular Culture teacher Dr. Dunne taught us-- the difference between High Art and Low Art. The example I remember is the Mona Lisa is high art...while the mona lisa wearing sunglasses on a greeting card at Spencers would be low art.

I cannot be elitist. I have tried and frankly, its just not as much fun. I love sushi, but I also like sonic. I would have to say that this documentary satisfied both those cravings.

Miss Kendall!!!!

I quickly want to post pics of the cutest child on the face of the planet...and I am not just saying this, I really think she should be on the cover of some sort of baby food product. I posted pics of her in august when she was born and she is now 7 months old. She is the spawn of my friends' Florrie and Justin, and her name is miss Kendall Lexie. They are the two best handicapable teenage parents in the world. And I love them all, even though I think they would make a fantastic episode of Maury Povich!!!

Black. White.

I am all about some documentarys. I think its because I am so nosey and voyeuristic (I am the youngest child, after all). Anyway, I was really excited because last night I got to watch Black. White. on FX. It is produced by Ice Cube and it has two families (one black, one white) of equal status and income level switch places and races and be thrust into many situations to see how different it is to be in the others shoes.

I think this is a valid experiment. I am insanely interested in race relations and sociological differences. Before I went to college, I used to kind of think that people made too much fuss about the black people and white people being so different. Maybe its because my best friend as a child was black and she was way wealthier than my family could ever dream of being. I have since learned that it is ignorant to ignore the differences between black and white people. I mean lets face it, some situations are just gonna be different. I think it is necessary to just respect these diffferences.

I kinda wish that there could have been a documentary about my freshman and sophomore year in college where I was the lone white girl in an apartment of three strong black females. Coming from a graduationg class of 450 that had only 11 black people in it. It was an awakening. I almost miss knowing all the rap songs way before they came on the radio (after all...I taught all my friends what "air force ones" were and the "remix to ignition" was old school to me by the time it started coming on The Party!) and reading Essence and Black Hair Magazine on the toilet.

I would like to think that I taught them something too. Maybe even if it was just that white people couldn't so easily be pigeon-holed (for example, I can throw down on some collards and black-eyed-peas and have been since I was since I was born!)

Thats why I never understand when I am watching the Real World, and there is always that one bitchy individual that is like "I am sooooo isolated!!!!!!!!!!!! waaa wahhh!!! bitch, bitch, bitch"....etc. Just deal with it. Have fun. Go to a Step Show for the historically black fraternities and sororities! Its kinda fun...after you get used to the fact that you may be one of the only white people there.

Sorry...I really don't think any of that was all that coherant. But, I promise...it made sense to me! I guess the lesson is, befriend a black person, you'll be glad you did!

I LOVE DORKS.

The above is true. I have a shirt that says it. I wear it and am not ashamed (even though I am pretty sure I am the only girl that wears that shirt that does not also wear a training bra and a retainer.)

I realized this was really the case when I went to go see Failure To Launch last night with my gay date, John. There is a scene in the movie where Matthew McCaughnahey and his two friends are shirtless and sitting on surfboards in the middle of the ocean. I don't need to state the obvious that Matthew McCaughahey, whose character is a sailing enthusiast, is gorgeous and has a hot bod...and that his friend (who also played the dick boyfriend to Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers) is a pretty fine piece as well, bearing the mystique of being one of those outdoorsy chacco sandal wearing guys who always has a nalgene bottle on hand.

I must also mention that the third boy in questions has shaggy hair, a kind of goofy expression and is wearing zinc oxide sunscreen on his nose and a life jacket. His backstory is that he is an internet genius who never gets laid. Guess who I think is the most attractive??? Yep....the dork. [TANGENT:I conveniently left out that I think he was the retarded guy pictured above in Gigli....I don't know if that makes me case better or worse. Potentially worse, because I admitted that I saw Gigli and that I thought the mentally challenged guy was the hottest character.]

Exhibit B (okay the guy who played the retarded kid was exhibit A): I just got finished watching Grey's Anatomy. The show has a character whose nickname is Dr. McDreamy, yet I tend to go for George, who is inherently pathetic, lusting after Meridith for almost 2 seasons before he made his move. He also has the goofy look and shaggy hair (at least until today's episode) that seems to do it for me. What is wrong with me?

High Maintenance?

Tuesday, I was at a crossroads. I got a call from a friend telling me about a great job that she knew about. It paid more per hour than my job, the hours are less erratic, and it sounds a lot better on paper. The problem was that its a lot less hours and it seems like something I may be bad at it, because it revolved around cold calling companies and asking for donations. This is from the girl that until about a year ago wouldn't order a pizza unless she was alone and had no other option. [TANGENT: this is because when I was 8, I begged my dad to let me order pizza and somewhere in the wicked game of telephone I played with the Papa John's man, I ordered 4 pizzas instead of 2. Since then, I swore off calling strangers.] This decision was made even harder by the fact that I had an awesome day at the store on Tuesday. I trained some new girls and met every segment! I know this other job is temporary too, and I am just afraid to bounce from temporary position to temporary position. I am also trying to manage 3 side projects at the moment, which I am super excited about. I just can't decide...so I guess I will wait and find out more before I jump to hasty conclusions and fall into the self doubt arena!

Anyways to free my mind and treat myself, Courtney and I went to pop my pedicure cherry and get our toes done. I loved it! I have never been one to get manicures/ pedicures/ or really even haircuts at places that don't put coupons in the CLipper magazine...so this was a big step for Kimmie. I always feel like I am kind of go with the flow kinda gal. I don't routinely spend more than $25 on anything vain for myself, I don't use hair products, and I have never seen the inside of a tanning bed. But because I have been working my ass off lately and feeling slightly stressed I needed it.

I have only really been to nail places like 3 times so I was slightly apprehensive, but the adorable little Vietnamese ladies [I LOVE ASIAN PEOPLE!] put my at ease. [TANGENT: Two of them were pregnant so I worried about the fumes bothering the fetuses. I may not be a doctor, per say, but on Trading Spaces, they won't let a pregnant lady sit in the room while it is getting painted....so nail fumes, paint fumes....roughly the same thing!] They didn't really talk to me so much, they just talked to Courtney (out of fear that I was retarded) so I kind of dozed while the french manicured my toes. [TANGENT: I also said I would never rock the french manicure on the toes...out of fear that it just made you look like you had long ass toe nails, but apparently my level of conviction that I am so damn proud of is diminishing in my old age!]

Apparently as I become more high maintanance in my appearance [I MEAN I AM SURROUNED BY MAKEUP ALL DAY!] I become more finicky in my job search job search. I feel like I am being unreasonable and searching for this position that isn't there. I never thought I would say this but, I think I just need to get over myself!

"I don't know much...but I know Aaron Neville..."

So yesterday I was leaving a pretty pleasant day at "the secret" to get some sweet tea at the food court [TANGENT: I ended up giving up food court food and coffee for Lent, but sweet tea from Chik-Fil-A is still fair game, because frankly I am not so strong that I can resist the temptation of a delicious, moderately priced tea in a handy styrofoam cup...with FREE REFILLS no less. I figured God would understand!] and as I was fiddling with my cell phone, I see two housewives getting off the elevator and having a coniption over someone that was stepping on, saying, "I can't belive you're here and I am meeting you! I love your work. Take care. God Bless!"

Of course, the nosey bitch I am, I hastily pressed the button so the doors would fly back open, and I could spend 1 unescapable minute of one on one with some mystery celebrity! Was it Tom Hanks or Oprah or some other lovable star? Nope, It was Aaron Neville! [TANGENT:While retelling this story to people later at work, no one but the black girls quite knew who I was talking about. Even after singing "I don't know much, but I know I love you....let me be all I need to know," I still got a lot of blank stares. I then followed with the Horation Sanz impression from SNL...still, NOTHING! Who are these people!!] He was wearing the usual "don't look at me, but look at me" attire, sunglasses and a black hat! I know he is not a huge star by today's standards, but I still felt like we needed to share a moment. Here is our conversation:

Me: How are you doing today?
Aaron: good...and you?
Me: Good its not too busy....What are you doing in town? are you doing some shopping today?
Aaron: Yeah....I just gotta pick up something [TANGENT: after walking behind him on the way to the food court, I realized, he was hitting up the diamond store. Maybe to buy a large medallion...who's to say? ]
Me: Have you been in New Orleans this week for the Mardi Gras [after watching the super bowl, I knew that he did a lot of post-katrina work because he was from there...way to be informed!!]
Aaron: No...I have really bad asthma and the air quality is bad [Jackpot: he has confided to me his health problems]

So in all, I think I got way more than the sweet tea I desired, I shared a tender moment in an elevator by a celebrity with a large facial mole!

" I said 'Baby, Its 3 am I must be....watching Murderball'"

Lately I have been having these awful bouts of insomia, triggered by God knows what, and lasting usually until about 4:30 am when I finally give up and reach for the bubble pack of benedryl. I think I have just had a lot on my mind lately. The odd thing is, I am fine all day until I lay down, and I find that I can't quite wind down or just start thinking about all the ducks that I am trying to keep in a row right now. Anyway, last night amid the sea of infomercials and marathons of Celebrity Fit Club and Date My Mom (both episodes I had seen already, which is sad in itself), I found Murderball, the movie about the US quadriplegic rugby team. I was excited, but halfway through it had a "things that make ya go hmmmm...." kinda moment.

These guys were saying that they have no problem meeting girls because they ladies they meet are intrigued by their disability and have that mothering kind of instinct that makes them want to pursue a relationship with them. I am wondering where the hell the guys like that are! I have had quite a few guys have initial interest (mostly what I call the novelty factor) but that has just worn off as the reality of the situation has set in. I also tend to think a lil' bit of a freak flag gets raised when a guy thinks a girl in a wheelchair is hot...its like I assume they are creepy or have a weird fetish. What I am trying to say is: my mentality is FUCKED UP! These thoughts didn't particularly help me go to sleep.

Then I started thinking about Lent. It starts today and frankly, its the one good thing I do as a Catholic, so I take it kind of seriously. I think all religions and spiritualities should give something up that they love for a month. It is a great practice in restraint. This year I am giving up the food court. I eat in it everyday and spend way too much money that I don't have. Here are the things I have given up in the past:

1. Red Meat- this really wasn't that hard but living with my parents, that will be a little harder!
2. Caffeine- this just led to a mental breakdown and many headaches on my behalf. I think I am reliant on the stuff to be a kind person....especially when I was getting up for classes.
3. Cussing- this was maybe the hardest one and I always sounded like an epsiode of Sex And The City that was edited for TBS. I had to catch myself, and on many occasions, "Shit-ake" came out of my mouth!

I guess I should give up relying on over the counter allergy medication to go to sleep....but then, what would I blog about??

The Chronic... (what?) cles of Narnia!

Its about 10:30 on a Saturday night and I am putzing around the internet because the $25 dollars I have in the bank has to make it till tuesday, and I don't have the motivation to leave the house. One would think that with 3 days off in a row, I would be off hittin the town with my girls....but really it has been a pretty ho-hum weekend. (ho-hum seems to be my status quo these days. Not so much bad, just not spectacular.)

Yesterday I went to get my hair cut and come to find out my stylist upped and moved to California. I felt so betrayed because she has been cutting my hair for 3 years and she is the only one that doesn't make me look like I have "the rachel cut" and she is moderately priced. To soothe my sorrows I attended sanctuary (okay maybe not religious sanctuary...but retail sanctuary) and went to Target to indulge myself but all my favorite things.

1) MUSIC - I got the Walk the Line Soundtrack and I love it! [Tangent: it however does not have my favorite song on it...."I got lips and you got lips...lets get together and use those lips. Lets goooooooo. Times a-wastin'" but its really good! I may have to make "It ain't me babe" the favorite in its absense!]

2) FOOTWEAR- I got the cutest green leather thong sandals that I adore! My boss said green is the new pink...I am not sure who decides these things. But whoever he/she is will approve of my shoe purchase.

3) CHOCOLATE- ok so the dove dark chocolates were calling my name and they were 30 cents off. Thats practically a gimme.

So with new chocolate in my belly and Johnny Cash songs in my head (the sandals would be on my feet, but I am not one to rush the season) I went to the movies with my mom. I took her to see the Chronicles of Narnia because everyone and their brother/mother/baby daddy has told me that its an excellent film. Plus, she read me all the books when I was little, so I thought it might be a good bonding activity. I really don't think its much of a kids movie, its pretty damn dark. I am still wondering how I didn't have nightmares about it when my mom used to read it to me. All the interspecies animals were kinda creepy (I kept thinking about how an eagle and a lion would even have sex) and kind of reminded me of the Island of Dr. Moreau. I really liked it but the best part was the craziness that was going on in the aisle in front of me.

15 minutes into the movie, a mother/grandmother/8 year old son trio stomped their way into the movies. Apparently, they didn't quite learn the concept of "inside voices" vs. "outside voices" in kindergarten. Anyway after about 3 minutes of discussing loudly where they were going to sit and bitching about all the seats being taken (they were 15 minutes late recall), they sat down in two seperate rows. This led to many instances of the 8 year old, who I am convinced had several as yet undiagnosed cases of ADHD and turrets syndrome, talking to his mom in the aisle behind him and getting up to eat her popcorn. The mother, who looked moderately white trashy, was just as bad as he was huffing and puffing because they had to sit seperately. Finally, a bald man with a goatee (a look that I generally am not a fan of) shooshed him loadly and then shouted "WILL YOU PLEASE BE QUIET!" I swear I thought there was going to be a brawl. The whole audience forgot about the enchanted wardrobe and were riveted by the drama unfolding in aisle 2 of Thoroughbred 20, theater 1. Luckily the loose cannon of a mother did not start a brawl and instead the boy obeyed.

This blog is dedicated to you bald, goateed man in aisle 2 for speaking for the rest of those watching the 3:30 showing of The Chronicles of Narnia by saying "SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"My funny Valentine...sweet comic Valentine.."

So I never wrote to fill everyone in on my Valentine's Day. I know everyone was so riveted by my last entry that they could not wait to see what transpired.

I woke up at 7:30 because despite not having to be at the mall till 10:00 am, I arrived, coffee and chick lit book in hand, at 9:00 (which is really before its even open!). [TANGENT: I had to be there early because my dad had a "democratic party commitment" and whenever I complain about his meetings messing up my plans, he counters back with "we are really working for you, to make sure your vote counts!" I must have learned my ability to guilt trip from the master- because apparently everything can be traced back to George Bush being an idiot or the elections being fixed! Its not that I don't agree with him; I just tend to not get so enraged about everything!] Anyway- I sat in the food court sausage biscuit in hand watching the mall walkers knock each other over and seeing the janitors wipe down the tables. What a hot and scandalous Valentine's this is turning out to be.

I then bought some food for my coworkers and headed downstairs to get to work. Can I just say, working at a lingerie store on Valentine's Day is perhaps one of the most surreal experiences I have ever had. Desperate men tell you way too much about their personal life and despite wanting to change their minds about their purchases, you just let them mess up. This can perhaps best by demonstrated by a man that I refer to as Shady McPedophile. [he rocked the classis child molester look: transitions lenses that never quite lightened up, a dingy khaki jacket with elasticized cuffs and waist, and a combover.] Anyway- depsite our attempts, as salespeople, to offer him suggestions, he ended up purchasing some mismatched loungewear and a $35 jar of bust enhancing cream. I assume his gift from his significant other will be a kick in the face with a golf shoe. Happy Valentine's day Mr. Molester!

The evening concuded with an italian dinner with my two valentines, my parents, and a good lifetime movie about a woman who had a nervous breakdown and fell in love with a fellow mental patient. I hope this is not foreshadowing of Valetine's Days to come.

"So this is Valentines....and what have we done"

So valentines day is coming up, and I am kind of trying not to be a girl about it [definition of "being a girl": watching chick flicks and moping about not having a man and bringing every happy couple down a notch by always bitching about your own pathetic lonliness!] but it is hard when you work at a place where everyday you help women purchase their sex clothes and help men buy scented lotions and aphrodisiac candles to make the evening "special." This job choice just makes it a little harder to forget Febuary 14th. I always pride myself on not acting this way this time of year, but sometimes I feel tested by the scenarios life throws at me.

One of these was my brief meltdown on tuesday when I got a scam message on MySpace from a girl saying she was secretly in love with me. This led me to believe some stranger thought that based on my profile, I was a lesbian, so I had a minor 20 minute session of "DO PEOPLE THINK I AM GAY!!!" I mean I know it is the M.O. for me to be manless, but that new perspective had never crossed my mind....and now it was! SHIT!!!! This lasted only 20 minutes because then Angi called me and said our other roomate had gotten the same message 2 weeks earlier and it was a sham. THANK GOD!

I also dodged being a third wheel/ tagalong on a blind date thing tonight for one of my gay best friends. I was not so much, that might have been awkward and mildly depressing for me. I am kind of thankful my shoulder was sore!!

So I decided to rise above my own self imposed head trips, and head to the white trash mecca, Wal-Mart, to seek happiness via valentines goodies. I bought cards for my single friends, dove dark chocolates, all the makings for strawberry/valentine's cupcakes, and some cute new bras and panties [I realize that I am being a trader buying lingerie at a discount chain when I work at a store that sells it, but I am a cheap gal!]. I figured I would heed the advice of my dove chocolate wrapper [which I consider to be like a fortune cookie for a ritzy person] and "buy myself flowers" and "don't think about it that much." You can tell these little nuggets of hope were written for the types of people that buy a bag of dark chocolates right before Valentine's Day....LONELY WOMEN. What brilliant marketing!

WHAT THE HELL IS SHE WEARING??

I went back and read over the last few posts and I look lame...like I don't do anything...which lately has been the case! Maybe I will redeem myself this weekend..if not surely next week. Ty and I are going to Chattanooga and that should make things better. Lately I have been very antsy and understimulated!

Ok so now I am prepared to make myself look lamer. Today I was observing the new fourteen year old girl uniform (which working at the mall I get to see in abundance): It consists of the following garmets:

• DENIM MINI (preferably from Abercrombie)- true it may be roughly 20 degrees outside, but that seems like no reason not to bust out the chaunch-baring skirt, because fear not, her legs are covered with:
• LEGGINGS! (yes I said leggings with a skirt and I am not referencing Stephanie Tanner's wardrobe on Full House)- It seems nonsensical but to them it makes sense
• A POLO SHIRT- the popped collar is assumed
• UGG BOOTS- furry or non furry, I am still aghast that these have not yet gone out of style, they are rivaled only in their ugliness by CROCS!!
• A LOUIS VUITTON BAG- This angers me beyond belief because the same girls that that have a $250 bag thing 5/$30 for scent products is too high!

Leaving work today I thought, "surely girls my age didn't dress that bad."- but then I remembered when I was 14:

• MAVI or SILVER JEANS- honestly I don't even think they make these anymore and if they do, they are probobly being sold at Target alongside Mossimo and Issac Mizrahi (I guess I was progressive in the late 90's, because I shopped at Target before all the big designers were there- either that or I was poor!)
• GAP ANORAK- for some reason rain or shine these were always worn, I had two and was really proud of it, I wasn't like some girls who wore them every day, but they are scarcely seen now!
• T-SHIRT- The t-shirts seemed pretty non decript then, a nice Gap pocket T or the classic "NO FEAR" or "JOE'S CRABSHACK-LOVE, PEACE, AND CRABS!" would be acceptable
• TIMBERLAND HIKING BOOTS- I remember one day in my health class in 9th grade, I got bored and counted 0ver 15 pairs [this was after my health teacher (who I loved!) gave us a no smoking lecture when her clothes reaked of Camel Lights!- this led to my best friend telling to the class that her grandfather died of Lung Cancer to which the boy in front of her turned around and said, "Sucks for ya!"...she is still pissed about that to this day, only now SHE is a chain smoker!]...the boot could also be interchanged for the Adidas soccer sandal with white socks. Not a good look, but a frequently rocked look!

See..told ya that I have been lame lately

So I was working at the Secret today wiping down the makeup counter and restocking shelves, and I heard a song a differently than I usually do.[ TANGENT: I should start by saying I hate the music they play in the store because it is all either techno or deathcab for cutie, and although I like the deathcab [Plans is an excellent album], there is little transitions, and in mixes, transitions are key!! I usually zone out, but my anger over a dandruffy Asian man who got snippy with me and the sheer lack of customers needing lotion in their life made me seek peace through music.] Anyway the song in question is this song by some horrible Christian turned pseudo alternative band that seem to be the darlings of the TRL circuit. I think its switchfoot or lifehouse or something of that nature (some name where two unlike singular nouns are joined to portray something metaphorically Christ-like). Anyway- here are the lyrics:

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be?
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose.- shitty band

Anyway, I questioned if I was "who I wanted to be?" I think the better question would be "is it WHERE I want to be?" I mean I generally like myself, but sometimes feel that my elders might have something with that phrase, "sometimes your reach exceeds your grasp." I sincerely think this is my problem. I am in such a damn hurry and I have about 8000 things i want to do. And although I keep hearing people say they have no regrets, I tend to think thats bullshit! I mean who would we be without regrets [wow....I suddenly realized this is turning moderately philosophical and not about some reality show or some stupid drama in my life, I also realized I missed Project Runway tonight!] I think there are many instances in my life when I should have either said something or kept my mouth shut, suprisingly the first seems more true!! I have quite a few times in my life, especially this adult life where I have just been practical and said, that wouldn't work I shouldn't try because I don't want to feel stupid in failing. Failure is something I hate more than anything! But now in hindsight I regret not grabbing the bull by the balls (or the boy or the situation) and said, "listen here, I am willing to try!!" People always think that I am so ambitious and such an "inspiration" but that pisses the hell out of me because I want so much more than living at my parents, being carless, being boyfriendless, working at the mall and having my 3 best friends live over a hundred miles away! For a lack of a better phrase, it blows! I mean I love that I have awards on a shelf and a resume which makes me look moderately accomplished, but why do I sit and ponder ridiculously trite songs that come of "Victoria's Very Sexy Hits: Vol 2"? The world may never know!

I left out the part where it says "yesterday is a kid in the corner" because frankly I still have yet to figure that out !!

I need a Physical!

There are few times I can be thankful for my health problems, but the other day upon reading the paper, I thanked God for my shortness of breath and trips to the Vanderbilt ER. Apparently the new bachelor is an ER doctor at Vandy, who definitely can checked my vitals if not seen me partially nude this past summer. I saw his picture staring at me from the front page of the Life section, and was like, "wait I know him, thats the hot Dr. Stork!!" I seem to remember some hot doctor coming in and being shocked that he wasn't middle eastern or really old. [this is not a racial statement, it is an observation that most docs at Vanderbilt have a last name that I cannot pronounce...trust me: I am an expert on this subject!] Perhaps I will not be so hesitant to visit the ER next time, although I think a lot of other sad single women have the same idea.

I enjoy having connections to celebrities, only my joy is when I have a really distant relationship to a B or C level celebrity. Case in point: I once had my picture taken with Mr. Belding from Saved By the Bell after he came up to me at a charity function and asked "Have you ever seen Saved By the Bell? I had to save my best friend from selling Bill Engvall (that Here's your sign guy) a raffle ticket for a signed Blue Collar Comedy Tour poster. I have held Six from Blossom's dog, and seen her wearing some white pants that she should have considering wearing panties with. Frank Wycheck from the Titans once opened the door for me at the movie theater. In addition, I have met the voice of the Taco Bell Chihauaua and a good number of Nashville Star contestants. If I ever met someone huge, I don't think it would affect me that much. I think it is more exciting to know people that are kinda normal, but still secretly think they are hot shit.

My hope is that Dr. Stork never starts thinking he is hot shit. I hope he doesn't quit medicine altogether to join the ranks of other ex reality show stars. I mean maybe he wants to compete in Battle of the Reality TV Stars or make out with Candace Cameron on the The Surreal Life, but to me that would be a little sad....especially since we shared a moment.

I wanna be like DOG...

Like so many other recent nights, I was laying in bed at my parents house trying to find something to watch at 1 am besides infomercials and BET uncut. [TANGENT: I will have worked 40 hours this week selling disount gift sets and lotions to crazed Brentwoodians at the Semi Annual Sale] I fell upon a show which is strangely intriguing and captivating. The show I speak of: DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER. I had heard of this show but never watched it mainly because although I am a college graduate and consider myself intelligent, I had no clue what a bounty hunter was, and furthermore, why would I have an interest in their shananigans. After back to back episodes, I have learned that a bounty hunter is someone that seeks out bail jumpers, captures them and then heckles them all the way back to jail. Dog [which I believe is his given Christian name] and his wife are reason enough to watch it. They lead you to believe that people that live in Hawaii think that its 1990. It is not uncommon to see glorious bleach blonde mullets, mesh shirts, bike shorts or fingerless gloves on a given episode. It also kinda made me want to do this job...although it seemed white trashy, it seemed thrilling and kind of honorable. Although I have never changed my major and have known what I wanted to do since middle school, I often wish that I could do everything....yet I don't. The closest I have gotten is a job offer from a collection agency. I am not about to pursue a career in making people hate me. Its a lot easier to work in retail and just roll my eyes at small children stick their fingers in the eyeshadows and watch old ladies break perfume bottles!!