What do the Gideons know about life??

Today me and Ty were leaving the KUC after our Tuesday/Thursday girls lunch and there were the everpresent pentecostal/amish kids in their bonnets and dresses that makes them look like characters out of "American Girl" books. Anyway, they were all handing out these handouts condemning people to hell if they had premarital sex. I tell this story to raise 2 points>>>>

Point One- Why do people never hand me flyers in front of the KUC?? It seems I never get handed flyers or gideon bibles or anything unless I know the people (the students, not the gideons...I don't forsee myself having a lot in common with the gideons...unless its gideon yago. meow!!). Perhaps it is because my hands are generally full of shit while driving a motorized vehicle or maybe it is because they fear interaction. Most people would be glad to not have another piece of trash but I sometimes would love to be at least invited to the foam parties at the Drink or the trashy rap showcase. Either way, it is an issue.

Point Two- Why the hell are little kids preaching to me about premarital sex?? This really irks me. No one should be judging or condemning anyone much less these homely children in bonnets. I just hate when people teach their kids to hate. It is perhaps my number one pet peave. (after of course UGG boots and people who have shitty taste in music) It makes me glad that I have really open minded parents!! I just think when you are young it is easy to live in a bubble of ignorance but their parents have no excuse to be acting so, for lack of a better term, retarded.

La Vie Boheme Demonbreun Style

So its Thanksgiving weekend so I am spending it at my parents house, keeping in mind that this will be the last time I will come home as a visitor. The dreaded moving back in with the family is a month away and I am scared that it will be steps backward for ol' kimmie.

Anyway I had a great Thanksgiving with the family and then yesterday I spent the day with Kristen and Kelly. We went and saw RENT bc God knows I enjoy a good musical. My only issue was there was too much singing in it. There were moments where I was like "Shit!!! just talk already!!" because in conversation rhyming isn't always necessary (unless you are friends with someone that enjoys speaking only is like sounding words) and it makes speech a lot more natural. Song and dance numbers are appropriate at some junctures but when a movie is only 5% talking, I take issue. this is not to say that I didn't love it...don't get me wrong. Drag queens, artsy people and gay boys. it sounds right up my alley...right?? And it was!

Anyway then myself, kristen, my sister, ty, court, courts boyfriend and his friends, and my brother went to Demonbreun for the evening. Thus continuing our tradition of the night out the day after thanksgiving. I refer to it as "RANDOM NIGHT" Last year I saw about 40% of my hs graduationg class at 2 doors down, shared some forced hellos, and then had some random hot MExi make out with me as we were forcing our way to the back of the Tin Roof. This year, I ran into this guy from summer camp that I used to have a crush on when I was about 15. It cracks me up that you can be moderately obsessed with someone and then it comes a day, when they just are not on your mind anymore. I assume this day happened about 7 years ago bc when he said hi to me at Dan McGuiness last night, I had no idea who he was. Then as I was sitting at the table drinking my beer, scrolling through the list of people built like him with big noses (which I am still a fan of to this day) and it hit me!! It was Ben...holy freakin hell! Contrary to popular belief between 1999 and now, I have met a lot of people. I felt bad so we called him over and caught up...i reckon I should have gotten his number so we could catch up further, but it didn't happen. He said they were going to meet up with us at the Tin Roof but it never happened....sigh....

whats worse, it made me feel worse about not having any plans after graduation. His twin brother, whom I also had a crush on, was gonna be an architect in LA and he was a writer in Atlanta. I have decided the job search needs to start now....I mean after I finish this ever important blog that is.... I mean why can't I just be a hapless bohemian who can't pay the rent living in the east village? Oh yeah then according to the movie, I would have to have AIDS or have all my friends die of aids...no dice!

I would go black for KANYE!!!

So for some crazy reason, MTSU got Kanye West to come play at the Murphy Center. I know....bold choice right?? I didn't really want to pay $37 so I could look like a complete poser...I mean I know all the words to "Golddigger" (even though when I sing it, I say..."but I ain't messin with no broke tigger")and the beginnning of "through the wire" but who doesn't? But my lovely roomate, Angi, bought me a ticket for my birthday and we had a blast. I was also very impressed with Fantasia [TANGENT: I am an american idol nerd who obsesses over the episodes and is one of those people that hosts american idol night at the apartment so we can comment on Paulas coke habit and the ever pressence of chunky rings on male contestants] who sang a lot of covers, which was good news for me because I didn't know any of her songs. I am always a fan of cover songs for this reason. She did Dream On and Purple Rain. It was kick ass.

Then Kanye came out and I realized that I was in love with a black man...and his name was Kanye. [or as phillip calls him kayan and as MTSU calls him kayne.] he has all the qualities I am looking for: he detests BUSH, he is a snappy dresser, and he is kind of a smart ass. I found myself going buck, and I wasn't the only white girl doing so because, you see, Kanye unites the people.

ok...enough about that.. yesterday was my birthday. I started the day stressed as ever because I have my advertising plans book due monday. BUt I only turn 23 once, so I thought I would go out in style. We had a girls night of spaghetti factory and buffalo billiards. I didn't bring adequate clothes from Murf to Nash so i had to dress in full mary kate olson style and just pile on layers and hope for the best. [TANGENT: I had a really good time and love hanging out with my high school girls bc we know all the shit from the past, when we were pretty dorky and can respect where we are now. We also never seem to lose time which is nice. ] some highlights of the night included samantha finding hair in her sketti and having to stuff bread in her purse (which she later pulled out at buffalo billiards) so her intoxication would not be as severe; jessica and ty having a whose boobs are bigger contest (jess won); and assorted other hilarity that I didn't remmeber until I saw courtney's picture's online. I love my friends!!!

Wedding Bells I don't hear

Yesterday I went to Jenny's wedding reception and it was awesome...chocolate fountains, drunken uncles, and a white tent!! Although Phillip, my go to gay wedding date, and I had only one drink, we felt as if there were roofies involved because we made a quick exit to go dry heave outside. False vomit alarms aside, the whole theatrics of it all made me realize that I want a backyard wedding someday. My parents ought to start landscaping or move into a bigger house altogether because there will be no place for parking.

Anyway, my roomate went to a different wedding yesteray where the two parties hadn't been dating that long and had a very short enagement. They, like my roomate, are really religious and saving themselves for marriage. This begged the question for me, if you don't believe in premarital sex, do you have a shorter engagement...period of dating...etc? I believe there should be some sort of case study done. It seems like the Jesusy ones are always the ones hurrying into marriage. Maybe they are more certain of their decision or maybe they are just horny and ready to get some. Who is to say? It really made me wonder. She also told me about a friend who had his first kiss with his wife and assumably his first sexin on the same day...his wedding day. That, my friend...is TOO MUCH!! I mean it is incredibly romantic, but in my world, this would never happen. kissing is important and I just think a first kiss, a first wedding, and a first sexin (do you enjoy how I keep refering to it as sexin?) all in one day is a bit much. I am very perplexed by this!

All I know is that I am not even in the realm to think about marriage...there have been no applicants that are up to the challenge. The sound of wedding bells makes me frankly sick at the moment.

The Best Kind of Garbage

So last night I checked into a room at the luxurious Marriott on west end, watched some sex and the city, had electrodes placed all over my body and was videotaped while I slept. Kinky, eh? Actually I was having a sleep study done at the urging of my doctor. It was really cool and I got some much needed good news that makes me feel 99% less like an old man and will make my life 86% easier (all percentages are apporoximate).

So when I get back to my parents house at 7 am to take a much needed shower before i embark back to the boro, I catch something on TV that is perhaps the best bad movie that I have ever seen. As a lover of bad movies (CAMP, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Jack Frost...) I was excited to see on the digial cable "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie." Knowing that I am a fan of 80s nostalgia, it had potential. What I assumed would be a cartoon was instead a live action move...the potential for greatness grew. I thought instead of rambling off why the public should watch it, I would let someone else's opinion flow. The following is a review I found when I googled the film. By the end of this long rant, you will buy this film out of pure curiosity:


The movie stars Mackenzie Astin, whom you might remember as smarmy hipster Andy Moffett from The Facts of Life. Okay, no problems there - he was a fairly substantial star at the time, all things considered. Astin plays 'Dodger,' a crafty kid who's gotten himself into trouble with the town's local thugs. The thugs like to steal his lunch money and handcuff him to sewer pipes underground, so at least the flick makes no vague standings on who's good and who's evil. Dodger practically lives at the old antique shop belonging to his elder pal, Captain Mancini.

Mancini has a good heart, but suffers from a terminal depression over society's current trends and emphasis on physical beauty. I assume you can guess where this is headed.In the opening credits, we get to see the Garbage Pail Kids' space shuttle, not very surprisingly shaped like a garbage pail, crash-land on Earth. As it turns out, Captain Mancini got his hands on the pail, and it's now residing amongst the many knickknacks and Victorian door knobs in his antique shop. He warns Dodger never to open the pail, which might've been a demand of redundancy since the thing is just covered in disgusting toxic green sludge.

Things heat up when we meet Dodger's would-be love interest, Tangerine. Problem is, she's currently dating 'Juice,' the very same hoodlum who keeps beating up Dodger. Tangerine seems less than interested in the little kid's advances, but he refuses to give up since Tangy manages to take her shirt off no less than sixty times in the film's duration. As an added bonus, she wears the same dirty purple bra throughout the whole movie. Filthy skank. Just so we're clear, Tangerine's a bad girl who might end up being a good girl if she could stop doing such immoral, slutty things. Can Dodger sway her to the light?Not quite yet - Tangy's boyfriend and the film's other assorted goons come into the antique shop and mangle Dodger for the 27th time. They even lock him in the sewer again, but before a stream of liquid shit can smack our unlikely hero, a group of strange little creatures save the day! Dodger's not quite sure what to make of it all, but he certainly appreciates the sentiment. Let's meet the Garbage Pail Kids!

Okay, put yourself in a kid's shoes for a second. You're telling me you wouldn't find these guys just a wee bit frightening? When I saw it, I remember the feeling of dread when they first walked onscreen. I was worried about what I had gotten myself into - it was sort of like fighting for the last spare rib on Chinese Food Night, winning, and realizing that this particular spare rib was chosen last because it was full of those gross pork veins. All right, it's not at all like that. Either way, the GPKids scared the popcorn out of my lap. They all shared an innate, Chucky-like quality - but it's made worse by the fact that there's really people in those suits, allowing for much greater mobility and a far heavier amount of creepiness.Captain Mancini returns and explains that the world will never let the Garbage Pail Kids exist peacefully, and begs that they return to the pail. They refuse, so everyone makes the most of a bad situation by catching up on old times and throwing up all over the floor. Though gruff, Dodger sees the kids as a bunch of misunderstood friendly folks. That might be true, but it's not a reason for him to actually hang out with them. We get seven different kids based on some of the more popular cards - here's a closer look at some of the more notable ones.

Ali Gator is the surrogate leader of the pack, partly because he's got a cool haircut, but mostly because he's, you know, an alligator. Upon introduction, Ali immediately begins talking about his penchant for human toes. In fact, he pulls out a box and starts eating toes and eyeballs from it. For those keeping score, it was at this point that I made Mommy take me home. I don't think she was too disappointed.

Windy Winston is the second in command. You know, I've never really used the word on X-E as a matter of personal preference, but there's really no way to avoid it in this case. Winston farts. Farts farts farts, farts farts. That's all he does for the entire movie - farts left and right, up and down, loud and noxiously. It's not just implied, either - you get to hear 'em, and sometimes, you even get to see 'em by way of ridiculous special fogging effects placed in the general vicinity of Winston's scary black ass.

Next up, Valerie Vomit. Care to take a stab at her claim to fame? Yes, Valerie's super power is the ability to throw up on command. As a trading card, Valerie was easily one of the most putrid of all the Garbage Pail Kids - it depicted her cooking her vomit in a large saucepan as she was throwing it up. Yeah, that's what kids were into. Anytime someone talks about all the terrible things kids are growing up on these days, remind them of that. It could be much worse. Anyway, the live-action version of Valerie Vomit is somehow even uglier, looking like a mobile basketball star's bobblehead figure who just happens to upchuck at will. She doesn't do the deed till much later in the movie. I guess they wanted to provide a payoff scene to the three people who actually made it the whole way through.If you don't believe it could get any worse, here's a few more of the stars you're forced to watch for the next 90 minutes...

Messy Tessie, the girl who plays with her snot. And my, she's really got quite a stockpile of the stuff. Tessie uses her snot to perform various acts throughout the film, including fixing televisions and affixing plastic jewels to the clothes she makes. NOPE, NOT KIDDING. Tessie also has the nasty habit shaking her snot-covered hands with everyone she meets. I'm really surprised the director of this flick never got to thank the Academy.

Just in case you were still a little undecided on whether or not the people responsible for this movie should be castrated and lobotomized, here's Nat Nerd, a pimply faced wimp who responds to excitement and intrigue by pissing himself. According to the producers, this activity is made funnier by repeating it a hundred times at various interval. The oddest part? Nat is probably the least offensive of all the kids. That's right - acne-ridden Nat who urinates on the floor 100 times is the least disgusting Garbage Pail Kid.

Rounding out the cast was Greaser Greg, the GPKid from the 50s, and Foul Phil, a sweet little ugly baby troll with bad breath. I can't tell you how pleased I am by my decision to write about these guys for the next few hours.....

( I am gonna leave it there bc I want you all to go watch it now!!!!!!!!!!!)