I am certainly uncertain

Well if I was in your position
Id put down all my ammunition
I'd wondered why'd it taken me so long
But Lord knows that I'm not you
and If I was I wouldn't be so cruel
cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do- jack johnson (a wise man)

sometimes I just wish that I had this great big remote that I could use to fast forward and see where I end up. As much as I love to say I like surprises, a part of me will always be that little girl with the big blue eyes who likes to sneak into her mom's closet (not the smartest hiding spot) weeks before christmas to see what I will get...whether it be a pound puppy or an ugly sweater with button embelishment, I am and always will be a present shaker. It takes part of the fun out, but then I can never be disappointed because I will have expected and plan what was to be. Sometimes even with this expectation time allotted to myself, I am still left empty handed and with more questions than I started with. Its 74 days and counting till I graduate and a part of me is scared shitless. Right when I start to feel secure, things are swept away. I am all for keeping those around me on their toes, but I am not much of a toe stander...never was much of a ballerina.

On a very different note...aside from all the above random passages...I got to hang out with my two main gays, john and phillip for a little while the other day, which hasn't happened in a long time. I love them more than most people....perhaps because they feel my pain on being a minority and are two of the most sincere people you will ever meet. I also am a fan of the honesty and they are not afraid to share....I am still getting used to " full on gay mode johnny who will dance inappropriately close to me in his square cut man panties" because when I first met him he was still "effeminate johnny who would admit to the day he died that he loved the poon" They entertained me for a while with their tales of the gay scene. Sometimes I am SO glad that I am not gay! Not because I think its reprehensible or heathenistic or anything else that the bible belt has tried to cinch into my brain...but rather relationships are difficult enough...if i had to date a chick...I would have blown my brain out by now....Kudos to those that are willing to sleep with their own kind (even though john says he is a virgin....psshhttt. liar) and not he ashamed!! Kudos because at least they are happy!